1.28.2006

Fingernails - they gotta go. Toenails too.

On the long evolutionary march, finger and toenails have been transformed from nails and claws of real use, either in climbing trees, getting traction, tearing flesh, and scratching pesky itches. Seeing as only the last of these provides any benefit in our current form, and so far as I know, the ability to suppress an annoying itch has never meant the difference between surviving or not, fingernails are on their way out.

Good riddance. I'm willing to employ any manner of abrasive devices when deailing with itches, and surely pill bottles can be designed to not require a flat lever to open.

So what benefits will their be to eliminating nails?

Less time wasted keeping them trimmed.
No chance of getting hangnails, or any number of other horrible nail afflictions.
Less chance of getting scratched when fighting with girls.

And the downside?
Less chance of seeing blood watching those two girls fight in your local high school.
Forced to find new means of applying cocaine to one's nose.

Seems like a good trade-off to me.

11 comments:

Dan said...

I personally need help from those who don't bite their fingernails to help me open things or untie knots, though I suppose a little sort of shoehorn/pocket knife device could be kept at the ready in such a world.

Gibbsy, of course, suggests that our toes & nails will all merge (e.g. a club foot and one extremely wide nail) long before the nail actually disappears from our race.

Pat said...

Gibby doesn't understand how feet and balance work. And that may explain why he falls down so much.

Unless we're floating in space, or in liquid, toes are essential to balance, particularly our big toe. People that lose toes to frostbite and other illnesses have a difficult time learning to walk very well.

The nail however....

Dan said...

Satrys appear to do just fine without individual digits. That appears to shoot holes all over your theory.

Pat said...

All of those half-man, half animal mythological figures are off the table, particularly the ones that use 4 feet (centaurs).

Creatures with cloven hoofs clearly deal with balance different than humans do.

Aaron said...

That, and they ain't kosher. Ever see a centaur, or satyr chew his cud?

Pat said...

When is cud ever blessed by a rabbi?

Hard to see how mammals that are used for meat, and eat grass to create both the meat and the dairy, could be kosher. Kosher requires that all those things be kept separate.

Not that I advocate the eating of centaurs, fauns, satyrs, griffins, harpies, etc. (note harpies are possibly not mammals)

Aaron said...

Thud...

Jewish law allows eating of beasts with cloven hooves that also chew their cud.

Pat said...

Damn them and their crazy laws.

C.F. Bear said...

What's the rule with ungulants? Example deer, moose, elk, and the like?

Dan said...

And does the eating of mer-men or mer-maids provide you with vitamin E and most of the basic essential oils?

Pat said...

High in Omega 3's to be sure.

However, much more likely to lure you and your shipmates off the edge of the earth.